I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
