it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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