Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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