apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
