at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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