Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.