She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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