My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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