mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
