Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
