dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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