well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
