I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity