I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My pussy is not your playground.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
