It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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