i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked my hip out of place.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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