I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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