im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i barfeds in our rink
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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