remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
