Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
This beer is not sobering me up at all
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
