im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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