I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
