I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can you bring me the toilet please
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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