Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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