In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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