farters have to be the big spoon...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
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