new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Mom said you looked used
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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