do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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