I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
