i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
