Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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