I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
