I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
