Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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