Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
