i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
