Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
