sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
