I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
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i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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