i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
