One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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