i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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