i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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