I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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