Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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