i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
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Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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