she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
