nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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