i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
