You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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