I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
