her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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