All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
