It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
